Marianne's Coming to Burlingame?

I saw this sign on my way to work this week. Could the best ice cream place in the bay area be expanding? Gosh, I hope so. But my waistline hopes not... Here is the photo evidence. Decide for yourself...

Ash Wednesday

I love holy days of obligation. I spend the whole day at work trying to remind myself that I am not hungry, and this is all part of the process. But you know what, Jesus didn't have to deal with Girl Scout Cookies being delivered yesterday and today.

But I went to mass tonight, but apparently my hunger is causing me to look stressed out. Yay - that makes me feel better. I need a cookie...

In all seriousness, the hunger is only a minor setback. What I really want is to try and have some peace this Lenten season. Some people give things up, but what I am trying to do is put my life in perspective and meditate. I hope this goes along with my new life that I am starting, but of course I seem to be running into some resistance.

Not Totally Off Base...

Unfortunately, the tension I have worried about is palpable as I feared. I do know that my family will work through this, like it always does. I just get annoyed when people ignore things for so long and when they come to a head, nobody can really think as rationally as they should.

Feeling better...

It looks like everything is on the mend on the family front. I am going to go home and see how it is in reality...

Feeling dramatic...

Okay, that is me 90% of the time. When I am not working or watching TV I am being dramatic.

I love my family... but last Friday, my Mom IMed me at work asking me not to come home last weekend. Which I did. I stayed home and spent Valentine's Day alone in the lonely confines of my efficiency apartment.

Fast forward one week. I have not heard from my Mom - a person I talk to every couple of days. She has not only been ignoring me, but my sister as well.

My friends (most of them children of divorce) have said that it is my Mom trying to be independent and is just going through a "phase". I guess I am not used to this idea of being cast aside. She may not view it as such, but when she is short with us and doesn't return our phone calls it feels like an absolute slap in the face. Do I drop what I am doing when you need me? Yes. Do I make an extra effort so you don't need to search for a babysitter? Yes.

Feeling this way has made me feel selfish and incredibly alone. Getting the cold shoulder from my Mom is more painful to me than a lot of things in this world I have been displacing my anger towards other people. I feel childish and ridiculous when I act this way, freezing people out, but it is what I know. It is how I cope.

Spending too much time on You Tube...

Happy Valentine's Day!

Okay, I admit it. Today has been the roughest Valentine's Day on record. Or at least the one that is hurting me the most. Maybe its the current state of affairs of my life in the personal life department or the idea that I have been shut out by my own family on this weekend that makes me feel alienated from the other parts of my life.
I spent the morning bumming around with Erica, and then I have been on my couch the rest of the day working my way through my DVR. So fun.

Around 5 or so, I ran to Safeway to get some dinner and various other items I needed. The sheer amount of couples walking around and holding hands at Safeway was crazy. I just wanted to get the hell out of there and back to the solitary confinement of my apartment.

So, I will spend the rest of this Saturday night doing the following: dishes, laundry, and watching my favorite psychic detectives, Shawn and Gus. Oh, Psych... how I do love you. You save me from watching the USA romance comedy marathon...

I Can't Get This Song Out of My Head...

White Horse sung by Taylor Swift
(I know, I know)

Say you're sorry
That face of an angel comes out
Just when you need it to
As I pace back and forth all this time
'Cause
I honestly believed in you
Holding on,
The days drag on
Stupid girl
I should have known, I should have known

That I'm not a princess
This ain't a fairytale
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain't Hollywood,
This is a small town
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now its too late for you and your White Horse,
To come around.

Baby I was naïve,
Got lost in your eyes
I never really had a chance.
I had so many dreams about you and me.
Happy endings;
Now I know

I'm not a princess
This ain't a fairytale
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain't Hollywood,
This is a small town
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now its too late for you and your White Horse,
To come around.

And there you are on your knees
Begging for forgiveness,
Begging for me
Just like I always wanted,
But I'm so sorry

Cause Im not your princess
This aint a fairytale
Im gonna find someone, Some day
Who might actually treat me well.
This is a big world,
That was a small town
There in my rearview mirror,
Disappearing now.
And it's too late for you and your White Horse
Now its too late for you and your White Horse
To catch me now.

Oh whoa whoa whoa-oh
Try and catch me now
Whoa-Oh
It's too late
To catch me now.

Grandpa Update...

Bad news on the grandpa front. My living grandfather Molloy has had Alzheimer's for about 10 years. He has been getting progressively worse, and as far as we can tell he has had some aggressive tendencies towards my grandmother.

He has also been having issues with soiling himself and more or less, "marking his territory" in the house. He also refuses to bathe, only will do so when a man tells him to do so. He will listen to my Dad when he tells him to do this, but when a woman tells him this, you can forget about him getting it done, because its not going to happen.

We have tried multiple times to put him into a facility. My grandmother fights this with every fiber of her being. I think she may view this as a reflection on her ability to take care of him, but honestly, who can take care of a grown man who is stronger than her and has no common sense, no mental understanding or right or wrong. The only thing that he really has is his brute strength. We have tried to convince her, but maybe she might be at the point where she is willing to surrender to the idea of getting him into a facility (I am definitely keeping my fingers crossed on this one).

My great uncle Chuck, who was 78 years old, 2 years younger than my grandfather, also had Alzheimer's. His Alzheimer's had not progressed to the extent of my grandfather's, but he was definitely on the road to being on the same mental plane as my grandfather. On Friday, Uncle Chuck had a stroke and passed away. I can't help but wish that is was my grandfather. Does that make me a bad person? My grandfather is not there, his body is, but the brilliant educator that my grandfather was, left us long ago. I feel awful saying it, but I want my grandmother to have her life back, and I honestly think that if she was freed from this metaphorical prison, it would not only drastically improve her quality of life, but it would allow her to do whatever she wants to do.

Tonight, Papa and Grandma had a face-off on him getting a bath. There was a 3-4 hour standoff, and the only thing that got him to clean himself, was my Aunt Kath promising him an ice cream outing. Its so sad that this is what my grandfather's life has come to.

Day 3...

Okay, its Day 3 and I didn't get to work out. I am irritated with myself about this already. Try again tomorrow, huh?

Starting Over...

After being Debbie Downer in yesterday's blog - I have decided to change the way I have been looking at things.

So, I have made a list of things I need to do:

(1) Workout - no problem, I am doing that now.

(2) De-clutter my life (Erica helped me clean up my closet this weekend, so I am on the road to recovery)

(3) Kick ass and take names.

So, I am working on doing this and to become more adult. Whatever the hell that means. I started this new kick off by buying myself a new HD television and I have 5 bags of clutter to drop off to Goodwill.

Here's to me - I am moving on and feeling fabulous...

It's time to move on...

So when I update my Facebook status with the statement that is time to move on, it must really be time to move on, right?

Oddly enough, in my own quiet way (if I don't include the fact that I vocalized this to LD) I am coming to terms with the way things are with the boy.

They are never going to be the way I want them, and all I become is disappointed. I am becoming increasingly disappointed with him by the day, hour, minute, second...

I find myself trying to avoid him, and seeking him out all at the same time. It is a messed up thing to do. It's not fair to me, my work, and the friendship I pretend to have with him.

One of my co-workers made the point to me yesterday: "He's only interested in himself. No matter whether you are his girlfriend or his friend he will only give you the time of day when it is convenient for him - and that is not what you want."

And while that is true, I have been holding onto this glimmer of hope that the stars might align and I will be able to... honestly, I don't even know what. But I thought this would be my chance. We were connecting and maybe for once I could get past all of the silly thoughts that dance around in my head. Maybe it would be something real. Maybe he could be somebody to bring a smile to my face and know what is important to me. To see me for who I really am. And I think he does see that to a certain extent. I just think that by putting myself in these strange situations, I am just setting myself up for failure.

As I said to LD tonight... he is always going to disappoint me. The sooner I realize that, the better off I will be.

Steelers Win 6!