Thinking about stuff...

In the last few months I have developed a friendship that only can be described as odd and frustrating. He is very hot and cold with me. Yes, there seems to be a steady flirtation going, but at some point in all of my guy friend relationships (sans the ones of my girlfriends' SO's...) have always had a flirtation element to it. What worries me is that my ability to be a real friend gets stuck in this weird thought process that there might be something else there.

As soon as I convince myself that nothing is there anymore, it comes back with a vengeance. He will look at me, or say something that gives me hope. That hope can be a funny thing, because what I desperately want is somebody to pay attention to me an care. And he does. He seeks my approval on things, he checks in with me, he invites me to things. While I don't always give him the satisfaction of being interested or telling him how wonderful he is, he still comes around.

However, whenever I do show interest (at least more than I should) he backs away. I wish I understood this great mystery. However, I feel like I am stuck in between a rock and a hard place. Mentally, logically, I know I should just move past this. It is so hard when you see this person because you are obligated to. You want to move on and just get comfortable with being alone. Maybe re-group. But you can't seem to do that, because the second you convince yourself that you are on the road to recovery - look at what ends up happening. You end up taking 15 steps back and you are where you were in May. It doesn't make it any better for you.

I guess I feel this weird obligation to be further along in my life. Whether it be relationships, work, what I have. And yet, here I am thinking about a crush. I feel like I am stuck in some weird Molly Ringwald movie where she desperately hopes Jake Ryan will come and rescue her.

In my stupid little daydream, I envision coming home from work or leaving the office and he is there either sitting at the door of my apartment (which is ridiculous - this place is locked up like Fort Knox) or standing by my car when I leave the office, asking me to talk. (Which again, I have seen way too many romantic comedies, and suddenly, my daydreams are cliches.)

Its pretty ridiculous and then I come back to realizing how absolutely ridiculous I am and that maybe I should really start to involve myself in other things, as with my obsessive compulsive personality, that is usually the only way to get myself to move on. I distract myself from the thing I think I really want. That way, I realize that I didn't really want it in the first place.